De JaVu II - by Christine Beadsworth

Fresh Oil Releases

Deja Vu II

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ

I am still sitting under heavy conviction of the last Word I sent out. And as I do, I find myself understanding more and more why I wrote the following:

‘Now is not the time to be exercising your gift. Leave it at the altar and sort out these issues both with your older brother Jesus and your brothers and sisters in Christ. Then as an overcomer, you can cross over and receive what is promised you!’

From the time I came to know the Lord, my greatest failing has been that I have been quick to speak and slow to listen, instead of doing as the Word instructs us –‘be slow to speak and quick to listen’. For someone with a so-called prophetic gifting, this can prove fatal as I have so often caught a glimpse of something in the Spirit and thought I understood the whole picture and then being eager to share, have run with message, not realizing that I am unintentionally conveying the wrong message. I have heard a snatch of what God is saying and had the audacity to declare that I know the whole context and meaning He is trying to convey. I am beginning to see that my hastiness in carrying a message to those waiting to hear has most likely been to the detriment of those that I have so wanted to bless.

I have always enjoyed sitting at the Lord’s feet or so I thought- but now as I reflect back, I see that no sooner have we sat down to enjoy one another’s company, no sooner has He begun to speak, than I would think, ‘wow, that’s important, I must tell someone” and jump up and run off, leaving the Lord looking after me in consternation as He calls, “wait, wait, I haven’t finished speaking yet.’

This much I know – this crossroads we are sitting at is pivotal and in the season of removing blindspots and checking rear-view mirrors, we are at the place where we need to sit still until we hear and digest the whole message. And it is the love of God for us that keeps us here. It has always been easier for me to see the fault or sin in my brother, than to see my own. It is so much easier to read the Word of God and see how it applies to others rather than ourselves; so much easier to judge an outward situation than the inward state of our own hearts. The Word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword and will pierce to the dividing line of soul and spirit, bone and marrow if we will sit still long enough and let that Living Word do its work. Its real intention is to put to death the Pharisee in us and bring forth Christ.

I do not know where anybody else is at right now but I know the address of the crossroads where I am sitting:

Rev 3:19  Those whom I [dearly and tenderly] love, I tell their faults and convict and convince and reprove and chasten [I discipline and instruct them]. So be enthusiastic and in earnest and burning with zeal and repent [changing your mind and attitude]. Rev 3:20  Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears and listens to and heeds My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will eat with him, and he [will eat] with Me. Rev 3:21  He who overcomes (is victorious), I will grant him to sit beside Me on My throne, as I Myself overcame (was victorious) and sat down beside My Father on His throne.

I understand that before I am a messenger, I need to hear the message and let the Word become flesh in me. As my beloved Jesus tenderly reproves and chastens me, I want to stay seated and eat the whole banquet He has prepared for me at this time. It is hard to stay seated as each plate He places before me is a mirror where I am seeing myself more clearly than I have in a long time. It is painful to lie still on the altar and let Him cut to the dividing line of bone and marrow. So much easier to leap off the table and run with the message of the mouthful of half-chewed appetizer than to swallow it and allow it to do its cleansing nourishing work….I have to keep going back to these verses and remind myself that this is what real Love looks like and feels like, it tenderly convicts and reproves and instructs because He wants to bring forth repentance that bears fruit. A quick kiss on the cheek never got anyone pregnant and if I want to bring forth good fruit, I have to allow this Word to lie in my bosom, day and night like the bundle of myrrh in Song of Songs 1, until my intimacy with it draws out every impurity and cleanses me deep within.

Things are not right between me and my Bridegroom. In my carelessness and haste to get where I want to go, I have hurt him in ways I never realized until now.  I have sung the song ‘it’s all about You Jesus’ but am beginning to see that mostly our relationship has been about me and what He can do for me. It’s revolved around my reaching my spiritual goals rather than about ministering first to Him. It has been extremely painful to realize the truth about myself through the eyes of my Heavenly Bridegroom and yet there is no condemnation from Him, only love and sorrow at the personal price I have paid over the years through my own skewed priorities. To look in the mirror and see self-centeredness is hard, but then to realize that my blindness to it has caused the very same thing to wreak damage and cause pain in all my earthly relationships takes it to a whole different depth. The realization that only the cross of Christ and the Blood of the Lamb can wash me clean, causes me to run to partake of the Body and blood of Jesus, that I may be forgiven and set free.

There is an old song, ‘here am I so unworthy of the Blood and yet it flows for me’. It is here as I kneel at the cross, as I deeply digest that communion meal of bread and wine with my Beloved, that I then begin to understand the length and breadth and height and depth of His love for me all over again. Then I wash my face and arise from that place knowing forgiveness and He says, ‘go and do likewise’ and I go and confess my faults to those this flaw has wounded and that course of the banquet He has prepared for me is complete.

He tenderly lays the next course before me and I look at that mirror-plate in shock …. self-righteousness! Oh no, not that too? And gently and tenderly the Lord begins to minister to me, revealing the hidden places in my heart where the Pharisee is hiding. And in His fiery love He cleanses His temple, overturning the tables under which the enemy has been hiding, setting me free from things I didn’t even know were binding me. And yes, its painful but yet its glorious as every barrier that has existed between us is removed and every obstacle to true intimacy is dissolved in the light of His love.

And I have to chuckle because the very Word I sent out just a few days ago is ministering to me and I fancied myself as playing the part of Zechariah, removing the dirty turban but instead the Lord has me cast in the shoes of filthy Joshua and someone else has gently removed my turban and is showing it to me. Isn’t it interesting how we usually imagine ourselves as taking the part of the hero or heroine in the play. No-one wants to be the victim or the villain….

I knew when I sent out the last article ‘Déjà vu’ that the Lord was asking me to lay my gift on the altar for a season and even though I couldn’t see the full implications, I was quite willing to obey Him. However in the days that have followed, my eyes are opening to see the need to lay that gift down and the wisdom behind His simple request. It is the laying down of the gift that deals a deathblow to self-centeredness. It is the humbling of yourself and the making right with your brother and sister in Christ that allows the power of the cross to liberate you from the hold that fault has on your life.

Jas 5:16  Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].

Within this verse is a key that the church today has to a large extent lost and with it we have lost access to the tremendous power available to us. We all wear masks to hide our shame and our flaws, not understanding that whatever we keep in darkness has power over us. When we bring something into the light, it is judged by the light. Unfortunately we listen to the voice of the accuser who tells us that to expose our flaws and sins to the light will bring rejection from both God and man. The devil is such a liar. He knows that He was defeated by the work of the cross so the only ruse left up his sleeve is to tell us that to bring our sin into the light means certain rejection and judgment firstly from God and then from our brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is that all judgment for sin fell on Jesus at the cross. Yes, we are guilty – we know that, but the awesome beauty of the finished work of the cross is that instead of rejection we receive acceptance. Instead of punishment, we receive forgiveness. Of course we know this in our heads but somehow we still expect judgment from our brothers and sisters in Christ. We expect rejection - and the fear of no longer being loved and accepted causes us to hesitate in confessing our faults.

However, the opposite is true. When one person has the courage to take off his mask, everyone else in the room breathes a sigh of relief and knows it is safe to remove theirs as well! And the accuser of the brethren runs round screaming in panic, “no, no, you are all so ugly…put them back on’ but his words are falling on ears becoming deaf to his lies as they experience the glorious freedom of walking in the light and having fellowship with the Father and the Son and one another.

Fortunately, as the banquet progresses, the Lord is interspersing His deep surgical work with doses of humor where I can laugh at myself as He kindly and without malice shows me how I appear through His loving eyes – and this causes relief to replace the panic that comes at being found naked before His gaze. Every time He effectively says to me, do you want to keep that ridiculous fig-leaf on or would you like to wear My robe of righteousness. There’s no guessing which I grab…

And so, my precious friends, I want to get the ball rolling and start feasting on this final course of the banquet our Jesus has prepared for us. Its called Just desserts and it’s the course where the enemy receives what has long been coming to him in our lives. I eagerly want to lay down my gift and leave it at the altar and confess my faults and failings before you. In the past you may have only seen my strengths but today I take off my mask and confess to you that in the past season I have been self-centered and self-righteous in many of my dealings with the people who know me best – my natural family and my spiritual family. I have not only been blind to those flaws in myself but I have seen and at times pointed them out in others. It is much easier to keep up an appearance of spirituality with those do not live with you or see your day to day conduct and I suspect that is why my email and internet ministry has been accepted and embraced. However, I can clearly see as I look back over the struggles I have faced in the last years, that the tolerance of these two thieves in my temple and the blindness to their presence, has resulted in me growing in favor only with those who do not know me very well.

I therefore, gladly and eagerly, in a desire to allow the Lord to rid me of their presence, lay my gift at the altar and repent. I will not be writing any articles for as long as is necessary as I seek the Lord for healing and restoration of every relationship damaged by these things.

 I want to open my heart wide to His searchlight, pay the necessary price to purchase gold refined in the fire white garments and salve for my eyes.  I want to fully digest and benefit from ‘the words of the Amen, the trusty and faithful and true Witness’ who I can trust to honestly tell me the good things He sees and the things He has against me as we sup together. My desire is to be wholly and completely a child of Light, within and without, at home and abroad, before God and man.

In His love

Christine

1Jn 1:5  And this is the message [the message of promise] which we have heard from Him and now are reporting to you: God is Light, and there is no darkness in Him at all [no, not in any way]. 1Jn 1:6  [So] if we say we are partakers together and enjoy fellowship with Him when we live and move and are walking about in darkness, we are [both] speaking falsely and do not live and practice the Truth [which the Gospel presents]. 1Jn 1:7  But if we [really] are living and walking in the Light, as He [Himself] is in the Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses (removes) us from all sin and guilt [keeps us cleansed from sin in all its forms and manifestations]. 1Jn 1:8  If we say we have no sin [refusing to admit that we are sinners], we delude and lead ourselves astray, and the Truth [which the Gospel presents] is not in us [does not dwell in our hearts]. 1Jn 1:9  If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]. 1Jn 1:10  If we say (claim) we have not sinned, we contradict His Word and make Him out to be false and a liar, and His Word is not in us [the divine message of the Gospel is not in our hearts].

Christine
freshoil@polka.co.za 


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